so many reasons.

there are so many reasons why i wanted this to work.

this baby would have been payton's fraternal twin ... born six years later.

my beta was scheduled for today.
valentine's day.
today also happens to be my grandmother's 80th birthday.

i would have been due on october 21, 2011.

that is nika's birthday.

i was due with payton on mason's birthday.

i just really, honestly thought it was meant to be.

our baby tried.

it snuggled in.

seven days past transfer i got a positive result.

i was pregnant.

i was freakin ecstatic.

i had spent that entire morning sobbing thinking it hadn't worked.

and then i tested again, just this one time.

it was positive.

it was just payton and i at home.

i jumped up and down.

i sobbed tears of joy.

i told payton we were having a baby.

she jumped up and down.

and looked around for said baby.

she didn't understand ... but i'll never forget that moment.

we called daddy together.
he just laughed at me because i was freaking out and i could not stop crying.
he was so excited.

but then i continued to get only faint test results using other brands.

that scared me.

nine days past transfer i retested with another digital test.
the same brand from which i had received my positive.

BFN.

big fat negative.

i.was.crushed.

gutted.

i sobbed.

and sobbed some more.

two days later.
i got another positive.
i was so confused.

it is isolating.

infertility is so freakin isolating.

today my nurse confirmed a negative test result.

i have lost this baby.

a chemical pregnancy.

guess that is what they call it.

i am gutted.

i really thought it was meant to be.